Living for today...

"Wan kena tunggu Afzal balik tau. Tak lama lagi nih, sebulan je lagi. Wan tunggu tau.." [Grandma, please do wait for my return. It won't be long now, just a month to go. Please do wait for me.]

"Insya Allah Afzal..." [God willing, Afzal.]

It was May 2007. I was in Sheffield, UK, speaking over the phone to my Grandma who was in Malaysia. Wan had taken ill over the last few months, and her condition had been worsening over time. The prognosis given by the doctors weren't good either. I was praying that time would pass by fast so that I could board that flight back home, scheduled around mid-June, less than a week after my term exam, just so that I can see Wan again.

When I reach Malaysia, I've made plans to bring Wan around, to cheer her up. I've planned to explain to Wan about her illness based on the medical knowledge I've gained from my studies. Plans lined up, specially for my dearest Wan.

But all plans were shattered, with only less than two weeks before my scheduled flight. Wan could not wait any longer. Her time had come.

Wan died, of cancer. I was gutted.

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Ever since I achieved good grades in my SPM [GCSE-equivalent] examination, my burning desire to become a doctor lightened up even more. By the will of Allah, I succeeded in my A-Levels examination and received an offer to pursue Medicine in the University of Sheffield, United Kingdom in 2004.

Things were going as planned for the first 4 years of my studies. I've done relatively well, and by the time I entered my final year, I was already looking forward to holding that scroll I've dreamed for so long.



Chasing a dream...


But that was when I encountered my first major setback in life. December 2008, I developed a neck lump and was feeling generally lethargic. Then came the news I never expected, when I was diagnosed with a cancer. It's Hodgkin's lymphoma. I started having doubts about achieving my childhood dream of being a doctor.

I battled through series of chemotherapies and numerous invasive procedures over the next 6 months. Nausea, vomiting and sheer tiredness accompanied my journey as a final year medical student. In the end, I managed to complete my studies and passed my final year examination.

Treatments were over by early June, I've passed my finals and already was I making plans on starting my career as a doctor in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. But when my doctor repeated a PET scan in July 2009, I encountered my second huge setback. The cancer has relapsed, and further treatment was required, of stronger dosing.

I had to abandon plans of starting work in Malaysia and remained in the UK for further treatment. They had to implant a tube into my chest [Hickmann line] which remained for almost 3 months. Throughout that period, I battled through stronger chemotherapies and worse side effects. I had terrible mouth ulcers that I could not get any foods down. My immunity was so low that I got infected several times, one of which was quite bad that I went into septic shock.

In the end, I pulled through the difficult times and completed my treatment by the end of November 2009. I believed things would get better from there on, and I was already planning on working in the UK whilst having continuous monitoring for my condition. At least, I get to practice as a doctor, and start earning some money to build for a bright future.



Creating a path for a brighter future


But that was when came the third major setback in my life. I was only two months down the recovery lane, and I started to feel the neck lumps growing back again. That was when they found out my cancer has relapsed yet again. To make it worse, the clinicians felt that they have exhausted all the curative options available.

Eventually, I returned home to Malaysia, with a bitter pill to swallow.

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Living with cancer is like living on the edge. You never know when will the symptoms flare up, what symptoms might I experience next, whether the improvements I experience will be long lasting or not.

Somehow, I have been slightly 'traumatized' with making future plans. Should I really think about how my career as a doctor will pan out after 5, 10 years down the line? Or about making financial savings from now on, so that I can buy a car of my own when I start work in the future? Should I even think of having a family of my own in the future, raising my own kids and see them grow to become successful people in life?



"Our Lord, bless us with wives and children, who may be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous." [25:74]


When another person talks about his future dreams of having a successful career in life, a beautiful and pious wife with lovely kids, or living in a house of their own, I failed to share the same exuberance that the person is experiencing. Because if you ask me what would my dream be, it will be none other than this;

I wish to become well again. It must have been so long that I'm ill, it's hard to even imagine how it feels to be fit and well again!

It was painful when my plans for Wan were shattered.

It was painful when the setbacks I experienced time and time again over the last 2 years ruined the plans I've made.

This experience has taught me a lesson. I live for today and what I can do for today, not in the past nor in the future. Some people say that planning is invaluable, but plans are worthless. While I don't fully concur with such sayings, I still find some wisdom in it.

Because my journey in life has taught me that my future may not be what I have planned.

I live for today, and I try to reap whatever happiness I can gain from the day. If I keep myself occupied thinking about the so-called future happiness of a good career, a big house, a big car, etc, then I will miss out on the happiness that would be gone forever, and that is TODAY!

I think it is time I stop dwelling on things I have yet to acquire, but to cherish every little things I used to overlook all these while. Enjoy today, because it is not coming back.

"No matter what looms ahead, if you can eat today, enjoy the sunlight today, mix good cheer with friends today, then enjoy it and bless God for it. Do not look back on happiness or dream of it in the future. You are only sure of today; do not let yourself be cheated of it." -Henry Ward Beecher

Wallahua'lam [And Allah Knows Best]