My baby Afzal

Assalamualaikum wbth,

Afzal is laid to rest at the foot of his grandma's grave in Sungai Marong, Bentong. Pahang.

It has been 30 days since Afzal's passing, at 2.24am, 18th December, 2010. Memories of those 16 days I spent with him in Hospital Ampang kept playing in my head, over and over again and I thank Allah for giving me the opportunity to look after Afzal. I cannot help missing him but remembers his entry in January, 2010 titled "Time To Say Goodbye.."

The eyes tear

The heart is in pain

But (with my tongue)

I will only say that which is pleasing to Allah

Day 2 at Ampang Hospital : Afzal Performing Maghrib prayers

He only slept one night alone in hospital, since he was admitted that was on the 2nd December, 2010. After that, I was with him for 10 nights and Andi (my eldest) was with him for 6 nights. They were nights that gave me an insight into part of what he must have had to endure alone, whilst being hospitalised in Royal Hallamshire, Sheffield, U.K.

Aiysha's spa sessions : It's a routine that Afzal loves because it helps him sleep. The only problem is, he wakes up when Aiysha stops massaging him. Notice the different oxygen mask from the one he had on day 2. This is after one week when his breathing was better and he graduated to a less heavy-duty oxygen mask.

I would like for "Not the primrose path" to not fade away, but alas, it is not going to be possible for me or any member of my family to write the way Afzal writes. Allah bestows me with only one Mas Afzal. But, as I've received a few requests to pen down my experiences in bringing up my children, I thought, that would make a good start towards maintaining this blog.

I am amazed at the number of hearts that Afzal has touched during his short lifetime, something I have not succeeded in doing after more than half a decade scouring this earth. My husband and I often ask each other just what it is that he has done to warrant massive efforts by several old friends and new acquaintances to deliver kind comments and condolences via blogs, emails and fb, since his passing on December 18^th, 2010. Basically, our conclusion is that he must have gone to great lengths giving people a helping hand in their times of need, be it in the form of physical/monetary assistance or advice/suggestions, sincerely. This knowledge has made me feel at peace coping with this loss.

Afzal, 4-months old in Eugene, Oregon USA.

I felt like I carried Afzal for about 10 months before he was born on October 12th, 1984. When I was about 8 months pregnant, my husband had to leave for the United States to pursue his Masters. Since at that time, I also have 2 other young sons ( Mas Affendi/Andi – 2 1/2years, Mas Jaffri – 1 1/2 years ), we decided that I should move to Bentong and stay with my parents . I was then attached to the Ministry of Culture, Youth and Sports, with its office in Wisma Keramat, Jalan Gurney, Kuala Lumpur.

Every morning, I would take the 6 am bus from Bentong, to the Pekeliling Bus Station (its an hours journey), then walk to the Chow Kit area to get a taxi that would take me to my office. In the evening, I would usually try to catch the 5.30pm bus back home to Bentong. Every evening, my father and my two young sons would wait for me by the main road (my house is about 1 km from the main road) and each time I am not on the 6.30pm bus (either because I missed it or because it was full), my late mother would think that it's because I have given birth in Kuala Lumpur. But as fate would have it, Afzal was born in the wee hours of the morning in Bentong District Hospital, on October 12^th, 1984.

To all working mothers out there, do not use pregnancy as an excuse to slack in your work. Pregnancy is not a disease. The more active you are, the easier it is to deliver.

Never far away from his mother.

When he finally came, Afzal was a whopping 8lbs 12 ounces baby with a big voice, but I delivered him normally, without much hassle.I remember the midwives in the ward where I was staying were fighting for turns to bottle feed him because he's big, so he was so cuddly to carry. Since papa was not around when he was born, I got the priviledge of naming him (the only one among my 3 boys that I get to name exclusively).

I chose the name Afzal, after an impressive Islamic Scholar Afzal Iqbal, whom I met during an Islamic Civilisation Seminar organised by my Ministry then (but Afzal Iqbal sounded too Pakistani, so I opted only for Afzal and added the signature “Mas” to it).

When Afzal was about 3 months old, we left for Eugene, Oregon, United States and stayed there for 1 year 10 months. Taking care of Afzal was such fun. Whenever we travel in the U.S, he would sit in his car seat n “sing” himself to sleep. He loves his milk and orange juice, and he loves to follow whatever his two brothers did.

Afzal, 2-years old, back in Malaysia.

I took unpaid leave to follow my husband because I was not “qualified”(I was not confirmed in service yet then) to be given a scholarship to pursue my own Masters. When my leave expired, I decided to go home to Malaysia, eventhough my husband still had a further 3 months of studying. Since by then MAS was operating a direct flight from Los Angeles to Kuala Lumpur, via Tokyo, I felt I could cope with the long haul, while taking care of 3 young sons( Andi- 4 1/2years, Jaffri 3 ½ years, Afzal coming to 2 years).

My husband drove us to Los Angeles and I took the flight via LAX Airport. While on transit in Tokyo, we were the last passengers to leave the plane and we were also the last passengers to board the plane when it was ready to depart for Kuala Lumpur, because I had a hard time pulling my 3 mischievious boys away from the attractive toy stores at the airport. I must have been the loudest mother in the airport back then, always shouting at my sons to not stray. Being boys, it was not an easy thing for them to do. I was very lucky because my boys are very good mannered eventhough they are very, very inquisitive (always curious and eager to poke around and explore . Jaffri, the most inquisitive would lead, Andi, the ever macho brother would be the guardian and little Afzal, the ever so willing follower!). To help me make it through the flight, I brought along toys that could attract my children's attention so that they would not get bored.

So, to all young mothers out there, never use the excuse of having many young children as a hindrance to doing things or going out and living life. It's all a matter of planning and believing.

To be continued.

- Mama Afzal

She who never disappoints

One might find it hard to believe that despite being a working mother, she made at least 4 trips (as far as I can remember) from Kuala Lumpur to the United Kingdom within less than a year. And no, the government doesn't pay her for the travel expenses, it all came from her own.

Just when everyone at home were making plans for the upcoming Eid-ul-Fitr celebration, she decided to skip the year's occasion, just so that her son can cherish the holy celebration with her, in the foreign land of the UK. So that she could make him her own version of lemangs, rendang and kuah kacang that her son has been sorely missing for so long.

I remembered telling myself a few years ago that when I grow up, have my own job and a secured life, I want to look after my mom. I want to give her the love and care she deserves, like the times when she took care of me ever since I was a small kid. Yet, Allah certainly has His own plans.





26 years has passed on, a grown-up adult I may be now, yet I am still reliant on my mom just like during the times when I was a little child. Suffering from cancer has made me feel just like a baby yet again, given the amount of care my mom puts on me.

When my itchiness gets unbearable, mom will always be there to apply some cream and scratch on my back just so to provide some relief.

When I feel unwell and tired, mom would sit next to me, placing her tender hands on my forehead, her body language telling me that things will be alright.

When my coughs get so violent that I get really frustrated and despaired, mom just approaches, providing that hug I badly needed to keep me strong.

And the list goes on.





Whenever mom has to go out of KL for work purposes, I would usually come along. I would either be her driver, or accompany her on the plane. If the travel is by plane, mom would take the hassle to buy an extra ticket. Over the last few months, we've made those journeys together to quite a number of places in the country; Langkawi, Kuantan, Seremban, Melaka and Genting Highlands, to name a few.

I would come along whenever mom is away solely because mom is the best person to look after this 26-year old 'boy'. She knows what foods are best for me, my do's and dont's, and what to do whenever I have my so-called 'difficult times'. In a way, I am kind of looking forward to our next trip together, waiting for my mom to announce her next work out of Kuala Lumpur.

Sometimes I wonder where mom gets the energy, patience and strength to persevere in looking after me. Ask anyone looking after a cancer patient and you'll understand why. Mom would also make sure that she never puts up an angry face in front of me, keeping check of my emotions. She understands how pivotal it is for a cancer patient not to get entangled into a lot of stress and anger.


Sometimes my mom would joked, calling me her 'big baby' whilst chatting with friends or family members. Rather than finding that humiliating, I would concur with her, as I definitely feel pampered like one. I always wonder day and night, how will I survive without my dearest mom. I will always tell myself that I have Allah and He alone is all-Sufficient. But I will also pray that Allah grants my parents good health, and the ability to remain strong in putting up with this 'big baby'.

I'm not exactly sure why I have penned this thoughts down, but I just feel the strong urge to show my deepest appreciation to my mom. My guardian. The one person in life I know will never disappoint. The one person I know who will always provide me with that unconditional love, through the thick and thin. To everyone out there, love your mom and NEVER ever break their heart. Tell them, in your own way, that you love them and that you will never trade your mom with anything in this entire world.

My 5 minutes with Dato' Haron Din

Ever since my return home from the United Kingdom back in early February 2010, a lot of friends and acquaintances have been recommending all sorts of alternative treatments for my condition. It amazes me upon hearing the plethora of possible treatments other than the conventional ones (ie chemo, radiotherapy and surgery) that are available out there for cancer patients to consider from. Some have strong evidences to work against cancer based on people's testimonies while other treatments' efficacy are based purely on hearsay. From herbal supplements to Ayurvedic treatment, the list just goes on and on. Nevertheless, one advise that we receive rather quite often from concerned friends and family members is to consider Shifa' treatment, practiced by our very own renown scholar, Dato' Haron Din.



Dato' Haron Din, the founder of Darussyifa'


In essence, Shifa' treatment centers upon the usage of specific verses in the holy Quran to treat specific ailments suffered by the patients. The use of Quranic verses in curing diseases is certainly not unfamiliar or unheard of especially among the Muslims, who believe strongly in its healing powers. As has been stated by Allah in his Holy Book,




"We sent down in the al-Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe, to the unjust it causes nothing but loss after loss." [Al-Isra':82]


The headquarter of Darussyifa' is located in Bangi, Selangor, which is roughly a 20 minutes drive away from where I live in Sri Petaling (given that the traffic is clear). It also has numerous branches all over the country, Sabah and Sarawak included, with a huge numbers of practitioners, most of which are students of Dato' Haron Din. The clinic in Bangi is open throughout the week except for Monday, when Dato' Haron Din conducts classes for his students. Nevertheless, most of the patients would visit the clinic on Tuesday morning, as that is Dato' Haron Din's only session throughout the week.



The main centre of Darussyifa in Bangi, Selangor.


About a month ago, alhamdulillah, I had the opportunity to attend Dato' Haron Din's clinic session and was treated personally by the person himself. The atmosphere inside the clinic on a Tuesday morning will always be in stark difference to any other day of the week. On a normal day, the centre is rarely hectic and it doesn't take long for patients to be seen by a practitioner. However, on a Tuesday morning, the centre becomes packed with people filling every spaces available inside the building. The number of patients seen within that one particular session would rise from what is usually less than a hundred people on a normal day to a staggering 200 patients! Even though the clinic session only starts at 7 o'clock in the morning, patients would come to the centre as early as 4 or 5am to get their appointment numbers. My point is, everyone wants to be seen personally by Dato' Haron Din wherever possible!

I came to the centre around 8am with my mom and Jep, and we got the ticket numbered 137. Given the sheer number of patients for that morning session, we had to wait for more than 3 hours before our number was called. The waiting definitely felt forever, but none of us felt like complaining when we entered into the treatment room and witnessed what we saw. Inside the treatment room, we could see two other patients were being treated by Dato' Haron Din, and we couldn't help but admire at the sheer strength, patience and enthusiasm shown by this 70-year old scholar. There was hardly any break in between seeing patients, and some treatment also require quite a lot of effort from Dato' Haron Din as he pats on the patient's back, or presses on the person's abdomen, for instance. We really didn't have a clue as to where does he get the stamina and energy to see 200-odd patients within just a morning session and not being affected by it. What made it even more amazing was the fact that Dato' Haron Din had only just returned from the United States less than a month before for a heart operation. SubhanAllah. I guess it's true when they say,

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

When my turn came, I sat down right in front of Dato' Haron Din, as he read a small note containing the details of my ailment that I had filled in beforehand. I wrote in the note that I suffer from Hodgkin's disease since December 2008, had numerous chemotherapies throughout the year of 2009 but the cancer recurred in January 2010. That was all that I wrote. Having read my note, Dato' Haron Din almost instantly started his treatment by putting his hand on to my left neck, where the neck lump was present. That really surprised me as I wore a collared-shirt that morning, and thus anyone who had never seen me before would never notice the lump on my neck. But he apparently did, and I was totally surprised. Just how did he knew that I have a neck lump? Wallahua'lam!



The waiting room where patient is seated just before seeing the practitioner.



The treatment room, accommodating three patients at one time.


Dato' Haron Din currently treating a patient.


I was quite familiar with some of the verses recited by Dato' Haron Din when he placed his hand on my neck lump and one of them was from the first 2 verses of Surah al-Qalam,






"Nun. By the Pen and by that which the writers are writing, you are not, by the grace of your Lord, mad." [Al-Qalam:1-2]


I guess that is the miracle behind the verses in the Quran. From the verses recited above, nothing was mentioned about curing or healing an ailment, yet for the ones with the knowledge, they know such verses can be used in the treatment of cancer. SubhanAllah. May Allah grant all of the us the ability to understand and comprehend the meanings of the verses in the al-Quran!

The treatment session was less than 5 minutes, which didn't seem worth the waiting of more than 3 hours. Yet we would never complain, and were very thankful that we had the opportunity to personally meet Dato' Haron Din. We left the centre at about 1130am feeling grateful and satisfied, and we shall now leave all matters to Allah. Insha Allah, we would definitely consider revisiting the centre again sometime in the future as a follow-up to my treatment, should health permits.

A few interesting facts of note about Darussyifa; it doesn't charge its patients a single penny for all their treatment, and the centre is not only visited by Muslims patients but non-Muslims alike, as I have witnessed myself during my visit to the clinic.

I pray to Allah that He grants Dato' Haron Din good health, so that he can continue performing the noble work he does for the Ummah. Amin ya Rabbal 'alameen!

Wallahua'lam.

Ramadhan : My personal 'struggle'

"Ramadan is the month in which the Qur'an was sent down : this Book is a perfect guidance for mankind and consists of clear teachings which show the right way and are a criterion of Truth and falsehood. Therefore from now on whoever witnesses it, it is obligatory on hire to fast the whole month, but if one be ill or on a journey, he should make up for the same number by fasting on other days. Allah desires to show leniency to you and does not desire to show any hardship. Therefore this method is being shown to you so that you may complete the number of Fast days and glorify Allah for the Guidance He has shown to you and be grateful to Him." [2:185]

.............................................................................

I could still remember vividly an ironically fond memory almost a year ago, when I was being told off by my housemate who disagreed with the act I had committed. It was the middle of Ramadhan during then, and I had decided to fast even though I was only just discharged from the hospital two days back for one of my chemotherapy sessions. Being a concern housemate, he thought I was not being fair to my body and reminded me of the leniency Allah has provided for the sick during the fasting month. He was right. My body was still so weak that I couldn't even last half a day fasting. In the end, I missed half of the Ramadhan as a result of my treatment.

A year on, and alhamdulillah I had the opportunity to embrace Ramadhan 1431. By the end of it, I am ever thankful to Allah that for His Mercy, I had managed to fulfill three main aims I had outlined prior to Ramadhan:

i. To make up for the whole 14 days of fasting I had missed during the previous Ramadhan before the arrival of Ramadhan 1431.

ii. To try and complete the whole 30 days of this year's Ramadhan.

iii. To fast for 6 days in the month of Shawwal.

To some, achieving the aforementioned aims might be as easy as a walk in the park. But being in the state I am, I remembered how happy, relieved and thankful I was when the Athan for Maghrib was called upon on the 6th day of my fast in the Shawwal month. I had managed to achieve all three objectives I had set for myself. The athan signified a rather sweet personal victory, having inevitably experienced some difficulties during the fasting period.





Admittedly, during the fasting period, my body tends to get tired quicker and I therefore had to limit my physical activities during the day. As I find myself knackered quite easily by dawn, I had to content myself with performing most of my teraweh prayers at home rather than making the trip to the masjid. I was definitely not as strong as I was in the past, which frankly was quite frustrating. But I never let such thoughts to put me off from doing as much as I could during the blessed month. And by the end of it, I really thought I had fared better than what I initially expected in terms of the 'ibadah I had planned to perform. Alhamdulillah. The way I see it is quite simple; if you can't do some, don't leave everything. I was definitely not fit enough to make it for regular teraweh prayers at the masjid, but that didn't mean I can't perform it at home. I believed it was that simple principle that kept me strong throughout the fasting period, and it paid off by the end of it.

On a disclaimer note, I am in no way trying to advocate to anyone that one should still force him/herself to fast despite being ill. At the end of the day, only oneself knows his body better and he should make the decision as to whether he is fit enough to fast or not. The permissibility to abstain from fasting due to ill health is certainly a leniency Allah has provided for His servants, and one should never try to make things difficult. Allah stated clearly in His Holy Book:

يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلاَ يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ

"...Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you..." [2:185]


I believe that people living with cancer should never have a negative perception that they will never be able to perform fasting during Ramadhan any longer, or performing certain 'ibadah in the Deen that might seem to require a big portion of effort or energy from the person. The important thing that should be borne in mind is that all these acts can still be performed, but understandably there might be some shortcomings as compared to the ibadah of a healthy person. Thus, accept and embrace these shortcomings and insha Allah, it will not hit you too hard when you find yourself not being able to perform some of the things you used to do in the past, when you were free from the disease.

As I have always said in the past, cancer is a word and NOT a sentence. Don't let it control your life. What more the life of a Muslim.

Wallahua'lam.

A very special Eid

1. Customary it is in my big family in Bentong, Pahang that on the 1st day of Shawwal, after the Eid prayers, that everyone will gather at the main living room in the house. It is the time where Eid wishes are extended and everyone warmly embracing each other, seeking for forgiveness from any wrongdoings that one may have committed against another. For the young ones, it is also a time each of them would look forward most as they receive their 'duit raya'.

2. It had been 6 years since I was last involved in such a session, thus I definitely found the occasion this time around slightly more profound than usual. But the one very emotional moment that will forever remain ingrained in my memories was definitely the time when I shook my mom's hand and we hugged each other.

3. To me personally, the hug felt like a hug of sheer relief and gratitude. And I think my mom probably shared the same thoughts too. We just remained silent in our embrace, taking all our emotions in, letting the tears run down our eyes, sobbing heavily. It was sheer relief that after everything that has happened in the last 2 years with me being tested with the big C, I am finally reunited with my mom and dearest family for an Eid celebration. It was also a hug of gratitude, that despite the circumstance of my disease, Allah has allowed me to cherish yet another Eid with the ones I love most.





4. Celebrating Eid this year was like tasting a very sweet victory, having battled my way through the month of Ramadhan beforehand. Fasting during the recent Ramadhan was quite a battle for me, given my health. Although some suggested that I don't push it if fasting was affecting my health, I just couldn't tell myself to concede to defeat. What more having missed more than half of my Ramadhan last year as a result of chemotherapy treatments. That certainly spurred me a lot, and alhamdulillah, I succeeded in my so-called battle. Thus the celebration of shukr when Eid eventually came.

5. Insha Allah in the coming entries, I plan to share my personal experience of fasting despite my health circumstance, which I found was almost like a 'jihad' in its whole experience. I would also like to apologize for not posting any entries for quite a long while, which was down to commitments during Ramadhan as well as health circumstance. Nevertheless, I thank those who kindly dropped by with a message or email to check on my well-being, may Allah reward you for the actions. I seek everyone's support and du'a, may Allah provide us with the strength and istiqamah to remain as obedient servants of Rabbul Jalil.

6. May the momentum we have built during the blessed month of Ramadhan will be carried on not only in this Shawwal but also the upcoming months. May Allah accept our deeds and grant us His forgiveness, for only Him can save us from the torments of Hellfire, naudzubillah. I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone Eid Mubarak and Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.



Happy Eid everyone!


p/s: Pictures courtesy of my dearest brother, Mas Jaffri Masarudin.