Muhasabah Cinta

Assalamualaikum wbt

I always believe in reciting the Qur'an or listening to its recitation especially at night as an unbelievable source of inspiration in times of down. And it still is, and will always be.

And it has proven to be more pivotal since last December, when I was given the opportunity to prove my purest reliance on Allah's plannings to His servants.

Some songs, too, have become great adjuncts to picking myself up at times when I sometimes feel almost succumbing to defeat. The lyrics of this particular song certainly has.




Wahai Pemilik nyawaku
Betapa lemah diriku ini
Berat ujian dariMu
Kupasrahkan semua padaMu

Tuhan, Baru ku sedar
Indah nikmat sehat itu
Tak pandai aku bersyukur
Kini kuharapkan cintaMu

Kata-kata cinta terucap indah
Mengalun berzikir di kidung doaku
Sakit yang kurasa biar jadi penawar dosaku
Butir-butir cinta air mataku
Teringat semua yang Kau beri untukku
Ampuni khilaf dan salah selama ini
Ya ilahi....
Muhasabah cintaku...

Tuhan... Kuatkan aku
Lindungiku dari putus asa
Jika ku harus mati
Pertemukan aku denganMu

Munsyid: EdCoustic


As Jep rightly mentioned in his blog, I am now in my 'healthy' week alhamdulillah. Last week was indeed challenging, as I was yet again bed-ridden for the initial 4-5 days, only getting out of bed when I really need to. Dr Morley has prescribed me Ondansetron, a much stronger anti-sickness medication compared to Domperidone to try counter the sickness I experience post-chemo. It didn't really help in all honesty, and I still had to spit out saliva literally every half a minute to try and ease the nausea.

When I first started the chemotherapy 3 months ago, my biggest challenge was facing up against the side effects of the treatment. Now, although nausea and lethargy are still challenges I need to face every fortnight, they are no longer any greater than the psychological aspects of the treatment that I have to live up with.

No kidding, but it feels so horrendous to even have the slightest of thought about chemotherapy, or everything else associated to it. It just makes me feel so sick, and dread thinking about the next dose. To put things into perspective, even looking at this picture brings up the sickness.



So, what do you think?

I might need to think about how I should approach my next chemo. Probably have my chemo at a different room, close my eyes when the drugs are to be infused, etc. Or else I would probably throw up the moment the nurse greet me to put the cannulae in.

Having said the things above, I believe that Allah, through the prayers and dua's of my family and friends, will provide that strength when I need it most. Insya Allah.

Sakit yang kurasa biar jadi penawar dosaku.

What a sinful soul I am.

P/s: Will be missing Abg Azhar sorely, who has left for Malaysia yesterday. He has definitely been a great housemate, walking up and down the stairs from the kitchen to my room on the top floor to provide me with my necessary meals during times when I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. It's easy to forget that he is more than 10 years older than me, and is a Professor Madya. May Allah reward him.