I firstly would like to apologize for not posting any entries in my blog for the past 2 weeks. Not that I have lost the enthusiasm to write, or that time has been running rather tight lately. My health has not been at its best recently, and given the lymphoma I suffer from, it is understandably more difficult for the body to starve off any infections as compared to a healthy person. Sickness is always an opportunity for the cleansing of the sinful soul, and I pray that Allah forgives me for the wrongdoings I have committed.
Two days back, my heart wrenched with sheer sadness having heard that one of our fellow cancer fighter, Kak Dalilah Tamrin has passed on. Almarhumah Kak Dalilah, famously known for her Onebreastbouncing blogspot, will always be a person every cancer sufferers look up to for source of strength and motivation. Almarhumah died of breast cancer.
The one thing I will always remember of arwah Kak D was when she emailed to me a document containing the verses in the Quran that should be read by cancer sufferers as a form of remedy (shifaa'). During then, we had never met or known each other personally, yet having found out about my blog, she took the 'responsibility' to share. In Arwah Kak D, I found the marks of a true friend.
Losing a fellow cancer fighter is never easy to swallow for any of us with similar predicament. Cliche it may sound, her lost was similar to losing a fellow comrade in a war against your enemy. And losing Kak D, in particular, was almost like losing the one soldier you bet against faltering in any battle, the strongest soldier in your batallion. Her loss, somehow tainted the strong hope every cancer fighter has on battling against their disease, affecting our fortitude and perseverance.
To the family of almarhumah Kak D, many condolences and may Allah grant all of you the patience of a Mukmin (believer). Indeed, the passing on of Kak D serves to remind us yet again that death is a MUST for each and every one of us, and woe to those who remain oblivious to his/her preparation for the Hereafter having heard and seen such a clear SIGN from Allah. May we not fall into such traps, naudzubillah.
For such loss, never forget to say "Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiuun', reminding ourselves that we all belong to Allah and it is to Him indeed that we shall return. Emulating the story of Ummu Salamah (one of Prophet Muhammad's wife) as recorded in Tafsir Ibn Kathir, one should not forget to supplicate the du'a below whenever they are tested with the lost of their loved ones.
"Allahumma ajurnii fii musibatii wakhlifli khoironminha." [O Allah! Reward me for my loss and give me what is better than it.]
Ummu Salamah recited the du'a having heard the news of the death of her husband, Abu Salamah. By Allah's will, the loss of her husband was later compensated with a person better than she could ever imagine. It was the Prophet Muhammad, Peace Be Upon Him. SubhanAllah.
To Arwah Kak D, the lost of you shall remind me that my time will eventually come too, and I hope that both of us will meet each other in Jannah, insha Allah. And to the family of arwah Kak D, may Allah reward all of you with what is better than the loss.
Now and again, I engage myself into a so-called 'retrospective session'. Thinking about the many whys for all the things that have been happening to me ever since I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma back in December 2008. Asking myself why have I suffered this disease at the first place, having been so fit and healthy previously. Asking myself why have the cancer relapsed so soon after my initial chemotherapy sessions finished back in June 2009. Asking myself why hadn't the stem cell transplant I had back in December 2009 work.
Not that I'm questioning Allah's plannings on me. Rather the whys I made up for myself were more towards making sure that I don't repeat the same mistakes that could have possibly lead to all this. Making sure that if 'X' had been one of the causes for the immediate relapse of this cancer, then I would need to eliminate 'X' as part of my holistic approach against the disease.
Try as I might, more often than not, I fail to figure out most of the answers to my whys. Which makes it quite frustrating, as it feels like you've run yourself into a stumbling block, preventing you from reaching the end of the path you're threading. Having said that, it's true when they say that in every cloud there will always be a silver lining. And I believe that I've found my silver lining.
I believed that, although I may never know the answer to all my whys, at least I do know that God has used this illness to show me His great love. Thus the saying, "Allah certainly has unique ways to show His love".
When I made the decision to continue my treatment in the UK back in July 2008, there were concerns financially. By July 2008, I was no longer funded through scholarships by my sponsor, thus I had to rely on the savings I have in my bank account. That was when Allah showed that I should put my trust on Him alone. My friends, all over the UK and Ireland, started a donation drive and by the end of it, managed to collect a few thousand pounds to help me during my stay in the UK for treatment. Not only that, I could use the money to support some of the travel expenses incurred by my family members who came from Malaysia to accompany me every now and again when I had my treatment.
Not only that, when I was recovering at home from a recent chemotherapy session, people would come on a daily basis to bring meals. I never had to worry about what to eat, as the Malaysian community in Sheffield had kindly prepared a roster-like list of people in charge of bringing over foods during my recovery period at home.
When I could not go to the masjid due to my health, I often felt like the masjid was brought to me. An astounding number of people supplicated for my well-being and continued to do so in each of their prayers. I can feel Allah's love showering down on me via the endless prayers of His servants.
The one day when I truly felt Allah's great love was the day when the masjid organised a farewell-like gathering for me the night before I left Sheffield for Malaysia back in January 2010. The main praying area of the masjid was full with people, you hardly notice any empty spaces. What made it more emotional to me was the fact that it wasn't just Malaysians who came, but also Arabs, Asians, Turkish, to name a few. All in the name of Muslim brotherhood. It certainly was a gathering I'd never forget, one that will remain embedded in my heart.
Even when I have returned to Malaysia for good since February 2010, I can still very much embrace Allah's endless love emanating through the support and assistance of His servants. Every now and again, friends be it old or new come by to pay a visit and say their well wishes. Not only that, a lot of the alternative treatments I'm currently on are recommendations I received through phone calls, emails and text messages from fellow friends and acquaintances. Some suggestions even came from people I hardly know of, who kindly offered their help having found out about my plight. I took all these as reflection of the beautiful blessings of Allah, one that teaches me a valuable lesson in life:
I can only find contentment in my trial and tribulation by putting any negatives aside, and start thanking Allah for the blessings He has showered me with.
Being able to feel Allah's love embracing me has been pivotal in keeping my strength during my times of ups and downs. Which is why I have always reminded myself to not act in ways where I might possibly 'lose' the eligibility of receiving such love. Therefore, I know I need to remain:
1. Steadfast, for Allah loves the steadfast. “…God loves those who are steadfast” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:146)
2. In reliance to none other but Him alone. “…God loves those who put their trust in Him” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:159)
3. Avoid committing sins, and to immediately turn to repentance. “…God loves those who repent to Him, and He loves those who keep themselves clean” (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:222)
When you feel like everything seems to go against your way, just take 5 minutes to sit down and reflect on all the blessings you have in life, and the things that actually went your way. May then, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.
"Thank you for contributing, Sir. And thanks for listening too."
I replied, briefly, "You're most welcome, do keep up the good work," and with a big smile, I left the Chinese lady I was talking to, who is a fundraiser for The Budimas Charitable Foundation. BUDIMAS is a renown organisation in Malaysia, heavily involved in the care of orphaned and underprivileged children in the country.
I was approached by the lady who was at her Budimas booth, just as I was about to enter into the Cold Storage supermarket in Subang Parade. As our conversation ended and I made my way into the supermarket, I suddenly thought to myself about her very last sentence to me before we parted ways.
"...And thanks for listening too."
Those few words might not mean anything to some, but I took it quite profoundly for unknown reasons. To me, it showed the deep appreciation of the fundraisers to the people who actually did spare a few of their precious minutes to stop, and listen to what they have to say. I'm sure the fundraisers must have gotten so used to people ignoring them, passing by them as if they are not there.
That was when I told myself, "I think I should I thank you instead. For persevering to approach people even though mostly ignored you. For persevering to do a noble cause for the benefit of someone else and not just for yourself.". I will always have a soft spot for altruism.
Last weekend, I was privileged to be invited as the main speaker in a summercamp event which took place in Sungai Congkak, Hulu Langat. The event, called "Weekend with AJ" with the main theme, "Transformers : Rise of The Fallen", was participated by Malaysian university students from both local and foreign (ie United Kingdom and Ireland) institutions. The event was organised by a group of aspiring Malaysian students from Cork, Ireland who named their association as AtapHijau. The other invited speaker was my dearest friend, Imran Koyube, who is the current President and co-founder of the impressive ILuvIslam.
I was entrusted with the responsibility of delivering talks on 4 different topics, with my sessions being on Saturday morning and evening, as well as Sunday morning. Even though I could claim to be quite used to giving talks to vibrant youths via my personal experiences in the past, never have I been asked to become the main speaker for an event, and to deliver as many as four talks. Given the fluctuating state of my health condition, I was slightly concerned that I wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations of the organizers. What more, the organizers seemed to have done tremendous work in ensuring that the event would be a successful one, thus I know the talks must be equally impressive to achieve the objectives already listed.
Even though there were slight doubts on whether I would be able to cope given my health condition, I believed I could do this. An immense task it seems, the thought of contributing my part in developing my society just seemed an opportunity too hard to resist. A similar situation happened back in December 2009, when I decided to accept the invitation to give a talk in a winter camp event in Birmingham, United Kingdom, just a few weeks after having my high dose chemotherapy and autologous stem cell transplant. I just love the thought of 'giving' to others, thus providing me with the strength to withhold any challenges that might come my way.
The main challenge I discovered in delivering my talk in Sungai Congkak was the travels I had to make, which had its toll on my stamina. I decided to commute to Sungai Congkak on both days of my talk instead of staying at the event's accommodation for two reasons; i)my strict diet regime makes it easier for me to have my meals at home.ii)I was worried that I might not get good rest at the venue's accommodation and thus possibly affecting my performance to deliver the talks.
Every trip would take me about 45 minutes, longer if the traffic was congested. On Saturday, I made 4 trips altogether, back and forth, that by the time I reached home that night, I was totally knackered. Tired I was, I still had to finish up the powerpoint slides for the next day's talk and I must admit, a sense of frustration almost crept in. I almost blamed it on my cancer, believing that the Mas Afzal 3 years ago, free from cancer, would never struggle with this sort of pace.
But that was when I put such negative thoughts aside, and reminded myself to be thankful to Allah that in spite of my condition, I am not bed-ridden, in fact I'm well alive and kicking. That's more than I can ask, given my state. Eventually, I opened up my laptop and got on with completing my slides for the next day. Aiysha, my dearest sister, kindly enough gave me a therapy massage of my head and shoulder just to ease the accumulating tension building in my head. Mom, as usual, provided me with the words of encouragement. That's what families are for, aren't they?
Aiysha, my lil sis.
In the end, I was generally satisfied with the talks I've delivered throughout the two days. There will inevitably be some loopholes here and there in my presentation, but these are always rooms for improvements. All I can hope for is that the participants, the youthful leaders of our future, have benefited from the content of my talks and are inspired to play their part to the society.
I wish I could tell each and everyone of them, that
If I am not letting this terminal cancer of mine stopping me from 'giving' to humanity, then what more for them, all fit and well. Let us all RISE to glory!
When some of the participants came up to me personally before I left the place and said, "Terima kasih abang," that was all that I needed to rejuvenate my tired mind, body and soul. Looking at their bright faces and witnessing the exuberance radiating from it is a therapy to the pain I suffer from my cancer. I guess it's true what they say, it is in giving that we actually receive. We receive the satisfaction in life. We receive the true meaning of being alive, that is to be of benefit to others.
And the best people are indeed those who are most helpful or beneficial for other people. Allah knows best.
When I was a young, innocent 7-years old boy, I remembered how unsure I was about what I wanted to become when I grow up. Back during our days in the primary school, there would be a time during the year when all the students had to fill in a card, where we would update our personal details, and list a few of our ambitions, among others.
Unlike some people who have always wanted to become a doctor, lawyer or a pilot ever since they were young, I was rather clueless. Thus, every year, my ambition was never the same, they kept on changing again and again.
Darjah Satu [Year One] 1st - Wartawan [journalist] 2nd - Polis [police] 3rd - Kakitangan Kerajaan [government official]
Darjah Dua [Year Two] 1st - Peguam [Lawyer] 2nd - Jururawat [Nurse] 3rd - Doktor [Doctor]
Darjah Tiga [Year Three] 1st - Askar [Soldier] 2nd - Perdana Menteri [Prime Minister] 3rd - Pelakon [Actor]
Obviously the one listed above was roughly what I could remember almost 20 years back and thus a possible discrepancy from what I actually wrote down. Nevertheless, it showed my take on what I would want to become in the future back then.
It was only clear that I wanted to become nothing else but a doctor when I was 17 years old, when previously I kept on changing from dreaming to become a judge, a lawyer, even a singer at times, etc. When I passed my SPM [GCSE-equivalent] with flying colors, it further reinforced my ambition to become a doctor and I never looked back ever since.
Ask every doctor and they'll have their own reasons why they wanted to become one. So did I. In fact, I have quite a few reasons. And one of it, is not just for my fulfillment, but rather for my beloved dad.
I believed, and purely assumed, since he never really voiced it in front of us, that he wanted to see a doctor among his children. Even till now, I can't really prove whether my assumptions are true or baseless. I never knew why he never said it straight to us [that he wanted at least one of us to become a doctor], but I believe it signifies the type of a person he is. High hopes he has on his children to become successful people in the future, yet he will not heap the unnecessary pressure on us. The pressure that many parents might put on their children's shoulder to be successful.
"You must be a doctor, just like your cousin, bla bla bla..."
"I want you to become a lawyer, so you should work hard at school and stop playing around!"
No wonder a lot of children faltered to the unnecessary expectations of their parents. Some even resorted to taking their own lives, naudzubillah! May Allah protect my family from such situations!
As Jep rightly stated in his entry, Papa allowed us the right to grow up at our own pace. Yes, when it came to our academics, he'd rarely compromise on success, expecting us to do well in our examinations. But at the same time, I would always remember Papa as the one who prompted us into loving sports so much.
Being a good footballer himself, Papa would bring us to the football stadium back when Malaysian football was relatively more entertaining than how it is now.
He would take us into swimming classes, tennis lessons, golf driving course and badminton courts. When we developed the interest on tenpin bowling, and became quite serious with the sport, Papa adapted. He went to play bowling with us, gradually improving with every game, even occasionally defeating us even though we were better trained in the sport than him.
That is our Papa. He, in short, is a man of few words. He rarely shows his emotions in front of his kids. He is not the type of person who hugs or embraces you with tears running down the eyes, nope. I guess he leaves that to Mama. Mama deals with the emotion-bit. =)
I am certainly not the type of person who fully approves on special days for your mom, or dad, or your grandfather, etc. Not that I am being an ungrateful son, but I believe such days actually stemmed from the shrewd ideas of some money-making people. Those involved in making cards, cakes, etc. When it's Mothers Day, people will flock these shops to get a card for their mom. And when it's Fathers Day, they'll follow the same routine again. Imagine how much money do they make at the end of the day.
Having said that, I am still quite thankful that such a day exists. Because I, rather shamefully, often forgets to appreciate how indebted I am to my parents. For their unconditional love. For the sacrifices they would take for their children's sake. For the prayers they make day and night for our success in this world and the Hereafter. And at least this day has reminded me again about my Papa.
I was watching a program on TV1 a few hours ago, and was left with teary eyes when they showed a clip containing the faces of fathers all over Malaysia, with the song "Lelaki Ini" by Anuar Zain on the background. I guess the song really goes well with the clip, and would touch the heart of anyone who listens to it.
Try watching pictures of you and your dad, and play this song as the background. I'd be surprised if you don't even feel like shedding a tear.
"Hanya dirimu, yang bertaktha dalam sanubariku..."
Alhamdulillah, the PET scan I underwent last Tuesday went well. The routine was pretty much similar to the ones I had back in Sheffield, except that I was being kept in the waiting room for almost an hour post-scan. I played that down to the fact that I was 'radioactively positive' and thus the need to be separated from the public for a while, in particular from pregnant women and babies. Whereas in Sheffield, I was allowed to be discharged right after the scan finishes. They only reminded me to avoid being in close contact with the two aforementioned group of people, and not to return home using the public transportation, ie bus.
Mom took a day off work, accompanying me to the hospital. She didn't have to do much, well, she couldn't even be next to me during the scan for obvious reasons, but her presence was enough to bring a calming influence in me. Things were obviously different when I was under treatment back in the UK. I obviously couldn't expect my friends to be around all the time whenever I'm in the hospital, and therefore there were many occasions when I had to face things all by myself.
That's what families are for. Through the thick and thin, you can bet your money on them putting their hands around your shoulder, always being there for you.
“When you look at your life the greatest happiness are family happinesses”
Nevertheless, there is something good about the healthcare system in the UK that I'm already starting to miss sorely here in Malaysia. Back in England, the National Heath Service (NHS) bears the full cost of my treatment. Be it the chemotherapies, the numerous PET and CT scans I had, and the countless days I spent in the hospital. Everything comes FREE of CHARGE. It's difficult to imagine how would I cope financially had the NHS not bear the full cost of my treatment, which in total must have been at least thousands of pound sterlings, if not more.
However, things are different here. Although the government still subsidizes a portion of the cost of treatment, most of it will have to be borne by the patients themselves. It's not too bad if one works as a government servant as they can then waive off the cost of treatment using their respective Guarantee Letter (GL). As for myself, I can't use my mom's GL due to my age. As far as I understood it, one is allowed to use his/her GL to cover the treatment cost of his/her parents or his/her children who are under the age of 21 (if I'm not mistaken).
Doctors working in public hospitals in Malaysia also have their respective GLs. Thus, the staff in the hospital was rather surprised when I told her that I wanted to pay for the PET scan.
"Doktor tak ada GL ke? Mahal juga nak bayar scan ni." [Don't you have a GL, doctor? This scan is quite expensive.]
"Saya tak kerja lagi cik. Jadi saya takde GL." [I haven't started work yet, thus I don;t have my own GL.]
I am still currently jobless for two reasons. Health reason is obviously one of it, although I believe that if given some leniency in my working hours and workload, I could still possibly serve the people. The second reason, however, is slightly beyond my control. The Malaysian Medical Council (MMC), have informed me that they will only grant me the license to practice once I show my updated medical reports and can prove that I am fit to work.
A lot of people have been asking whether I have started work. I wish I could say yes, but the circumstances are slightly difficult. It's not like I'm dying to start work, as obviously my health is the main priority at the moment. But I guess that's what happens when people kept on asking the same question again and again; "Mas dah start kerja ke?" [Have you started work, Mas?]
Now and again, on Facebook, I read posts by my fellow colleagues who shared their experiences at work, seeing patients, performing procedures, being told off by their seniors, etc. Or news about my juniors who have passed their finals, and have started talking about which hospital they would want to work in. Part of me is happy for all the good news of my dearest friends (or sympathizes for the bad days of the doctors I know personally), but the other half also wishes I could experience them myself.
Sweet memories of my graduation. July 2009, Sheffield.
But I know I need to get rid of such feelings, as it only makes me a very ungrateful servant of Allah. Have I forgotten, that by not working just yet, Allah has given more time for my body to get the rest it deserves? And that I get to spend more time with my family after being away for 6 years? And that it is possible that should I start work, the stress of my job will only exacerbate my condition?
All I can do now, is to keep praying to Allah, that He grants me cure from the disease if that is what He has planned for me. And difficult it might be, I just have to push myself to keep reading my medical textbooks, so as to prevent my knowledge from rusting. I am not going to give the time and space for myself to sit purposeless, wondering when will the time come when I will get to don the white coat again.
The results of my PET scan should be up in a week's time. Let's hope and pray that better things are to come. I'm quite eager to know the current state of my disease since the last time I underwent a PET scan, about 6 months ago. Wondering if the alternative treatments and my diet changes have provided positive responses or not.
O Allah, to You alone I seek help, and I leave all matters to none other but You!
